Already Forgiven
by Indelible Evidence
Summary: After Shepherd's unexpected intrusion into their apartment, Jane and Kurt stay in a hotel for the night, and discuss Remi's actions. Episode tag to 4x09.


**Author's Note:** Just a little post-4x09 processing moment for Kurt and Jane. The episode was just too amazing! I can imagine writing a few different things for it, if I have time (but this is a one-chapter fic).

* * *

"Jane."

Kurt touched his wife's shoulder gently. She'd been staring into space for at least a couple of minutes, a deep frown on her face. He knew she had a lot to process—Shepherd's escape and subsequent death couldn't have come at a more complicated time—but he didn't want to let Jane get lost inside her own head for too long. Overthinking at a time like this would never lead to anything good.

Jane shook her head slightly, flashing him a quick, forlorn smile. "Sorry. Guess I zoned out there for a minute."

Kurt took her hand and tugged her down to lie with him in their hotel bed. The apartment was still being processed by the forensic techs, and the crime scene cleaning service would head in as soon as they were done. It would likely be the early hours of the morning before everything was wrapped up, and so Kurt had rented a hotel room for the night, not wanting Jane to be around the bloodstains and bullet holes that pointed to Shepherd's death.

God knew she'd been through enough today.

Jane snuggled into his embrace, entwining her legs with his, and tears came to his eyes as it really, truly hit him that she was back. While her mind had been reverted to its Remi state, she'd always been a little hesitant, slow to relax into his embrace. She'd said it was because she didn't want to aggravate his gunshot wound, and he'd bought it, knowing how afraid of hurting her he'd be in the same situation. But the way Jane melted against him now—there was nothing in the world like it.

"God, I missed you," he whispered, pressing a kiss against her hair and swallowing the lump in his throat.

"I'm so sorry about all this," Jane murmured, trying to look up at him, but he guided her head back to his chest, shushing her softly.

"You're already forgiven."

"I killed my mother in our apartment."

"It was justified. You did what you had to do."

A warm tear seeped from the corner of her eye to wet his bare chest. "She let me take the ZIP, knowing there was a possibility it might kill me."

Kurt froze for a second, then made himself relax for Jane's sake, though the heat of fury made his jaw clench. "Oh, Jane…"

"There's so much stuff I just…can't let myself think about yet. It's a lifetime of memories that I've already thought so much about, yet I haven't thought about them at all. I wish I could explain better." She sighed. "I'm just trying to deal with the here and now, first. And…what happened while I was just Remi."

"I can't even imagine how hard this is." He held her more tightly and asked, "Is there anything you want to talk about right now?"

"Us," Jane said, her hold on him tightening in return. "The things I said—and did—when I didn't remember our life together."

"Okay." He smoothed a hand over her hair. "As long as you don't apologise again, we can talk about it."

"But I—" She stopped herself, hesitated, then said, "Okay. No apologies. Even though…"

He waited, knowing she was struggling, but not wanting to control the direction of the conversation.

"I was planning to kill you," she half-whispered, her voice appalled. "That syringe…with the poison… you already guessed it wasn't meant for me."

"Yeah." Kurt closed his eyes, remembering that night. The conflicted desperation in her eyes. Her reluctance to hand over the syringe. The way he'd pleaded for her to give it to him, and the way she'd trembled in his arms as he'd held her. He'd been so shaken by that incident that he'd followed her the next night, afraid she was going to find a new way to end things—and had found her meeting with Violet Park instead.

"Roman was standing right behind you, right behind me… He was telling me to do it, that you knew I wasn't me, and I didn't need you to find the cure. But I guess you kinda won Remi over, too. She had a lot of conflicted feelings about you, and she couldn't do it."

"Maybe that was you, inside her. Protecting me," he suggested, half-joking.

Jane gave a soft, sad laugh. "I'd like to think so, but since I remember what it was like from her side… No. I wasn't a little voice in her head, just like she's not a little voice in mine now. I just wasn't there. Remi was learning to love you from scratch."

Kurt's eyebrows rose. "I don't think she loved me. The opposite, actually."

Jane shook her head, lying on her back so she could watch his face. "She was actually kinda scared of you. And suspicious. She was always looking for the catch. Trying to figure out why you love me, what you were getting out of it, how you were exploiting me."

Kurt's heart ached for that part of his wife, knowing it was a lifetime of trauma that had made her suspicious of unconditional love. "I get suspicious. But scared? Why?"

"She had to let herself be vulnerable around you. Sleep in your bed, turn her back on you and trust you wouldn't attack. And you were so kind and loving to her. She started enjoying it, and then she was scared she was falling for you, the way I did. So she built up this entire scenario where everything related to Sandstorm was your fault, and she tried to hate you. But what you said to her was right. It was herself she hated, for being weak and falling in love."

Kurt stroked his finger across her jaw, imagining how much mental energy all of the pretending and lying to herself—and to everyone else—must have taken up. "That sounds exhausting."

"She wasn't in a good place. And she used her hallucination of Roman to berate herself, too. It was awful." Jane sighed. "I don't know if I'll hallucinate anything else, but I don't think it'll be Roman. When I was unconscious today, I kind of put him to rest in my head. It was actually kinda nice to be able to talk to him one last time, even if he wasn't real."

"You'll tell me, right? If you start hallucinating again?" Kurt's stomach turned over at the reminder that she was still far from cured from the ZIP.

"I promise. And it's me this time, so I really will tell you." Jane took his hand and squeezed it. "This would have been bad enough without Remi. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this."

Kurt covered her lips with his fingers. "No more apologies, remember?"

Jane looked contrite. "Sorr—" She bit down on the rest of the apology for her apology, and they both laughed a little.

"Can I ask if anything Remi felt about me is still there? Is anything different?" _Does it make it harder for you to love me?_ He didn't want to pressure her that way, but he was a little concerned. He'd never experienced anything like it, and he wasn't sure if they'd have problems in the future because of the Remi part of her.

To his surprise, Jane broke into a smile more joyful than any he'd seen from her in months. "Are you kidding? Kurt, this all just makes me love you even more."

He gazed down at her, affectionate, but confused. "How come?"

"Because now I remember all of my past relationships, and they were so…" She shook her head, struggling for words. "Shallow? That's about as close as I can think to describe it."

"Weren't you engaged to Oscar? You must have loved him. Remi, I mean, not you after you met him as Jane."

Jane shrugged one shoulder, looking thoughtful. "I did love him. But he was my officially approved fiancée. If Shepherd didn't like my partners, she broke up my relationships. Directly or indirectly. I don't even know what she did to drive away a couple of the guys, but I did walk in on her with Avery's dad, after I was already pregnant."

Kurt stared down at her, shocked and repelled by that image. "How old was he?"

"Don't worry, he was eighteen. Just barely."

Kurt let out a slow breath, but then said, "That had to hurt."

"Why do you think I joined the military? She drove a wedge between me and my boyfriend, and then stole my baby. That was the last straw, or so I thought. But then the drone strikes took everything from me again, and I ran right back to the devil I knew."

"None of that was your fault, Jane." He hoped that the part of her that was Remi believed that, too. "You were a kid. And then you were betrayed by your own government."

"Yeah." Her smile was small and tremulous. "I know. Anyway, to get back to the point, Shepherd was delighted when I started dating a guy who'd already been drinking her Kool Aid. For the first time in my life, she was supportive of my relationship, and I think that was a part of why I loved Oscar. Because she said it was okay. She could control us both. And we were a good match, but there was always a little too much of what she wanted in the relationship."

"I guess you could say the same about how we met," Kurt pointed out.

"But we didn't know it. And by the time we realised how long she'd been watching you, I was already in love with you. Even if it took us a little longer to admit it." Jane shook her head. "Trust me, this is so different. You support me and listen to me and love me, and you never deferred to what she wanted over what I did, not once."

She rose up on one elbow, sensing the slight doubts he had. "Don't ever think that it's the same. You're the love of my life, Kurt. Despite her, not because of her. And now that I remember everything, it just makes me appreciate what we have so much more."

Kurt leaned over to kiss her, more relieved than he should have been by her words. "Good. Because when we've found this cure and dealt with whatever's going on with Tasha and HCI Global, I'm taking you on a second honeymoon. Just you and me, and no interruptions from the world for at least two weeks."

Jane snuggled close again, smiling. "That sounds perfect. Where did you have in mind?"

"Anywhere you want. Or we can stick a pin in a map. I don't care, as long as we're together."

Jane kissed his chest. "Something to look forward to. Thank you."

"Think you can get some sleep?" he asked, running his fingers down her arm.

"Yeah. I think so. My head doesn't hurt as much since the treatment. Maybe it slowed the ZIP down or something."

He tried not to let the mention of the ZIP ruin the relaxed mood, pulling the covers more securely around them before switching off the lamp on the nightstand.

Jane's fingertips brushed across his cheek in the darkness, before she pulled him into a lingering kiss that was too lazy to spark thoughts of going further. _Not tonight._ "I got your voicemail when I checked my phone at the hospital," she said softly. "I guess you left it during the fake nuclear alert?"

It had only been this morning, but it seemed as though he'd left that voicemail years ago. So much had happened since then. "Yeah. I wasn't sure if I'd make it, and I guess that was what I wanted you to know." _You're the love of my life, and I never stopped fighting for you._

"Thank you, Kurt. For not giving up on me. For fighting."

"You're worth it," he murmured, and gave her another quick kiss before settling himself more comfortably in bed.

Jane fell asleep easily, still exhausted from her mental work earlier that evening, and the emotional fallout from it all. Kurt held out a little longer, savouring the feel of his living, breathing wife in his arms and agonising over how long until the ZIP took her involuntary functions away from her.

Finally, his own worries driving him past exhaustion point, he followed her into a mercifully dreamless sleep. When he woke, it was to a smiling Jane covering his face with kisses, and that made his mood instantly more optimistic.

They'd find Roman's drives. They'd come up with a cure. He'd keep fighting for her. They would beat this, together.


End file.
